Monday, September 6, 2010

In All Honesty...

It IS really hard to watch friends who got pregnant AFTER we announced our adoption come home with their little bundles of joy while my arms are still empty.  It doesn't mean that I'm not overflowing with joy for them...but there's still that ache in my heart.  When will it be MY turn?  How long do I have to wait?

It's a feeling that's all too familiar, really.  Before conceiving our Lil Monkey, we had the misfortune of going through a miscarriage.  After mourning our loss, we then found it difficult to get pregnant again.  In the meantime, ten friends (count them - TEN) at church got pregnant (seriously, this was between our miscarriage and Monkey's pregnancy).  It was beyond agonizing for me at that time.  I didn't know it was possible to feel such a mixture of pain and joy.  I was so excited for each and every family, but as I tried to celebrate their news (while trying to keep our miscarriage a secret, something I would NOT do again) my heart was hurting.

Of course, the ache in my heart is different this time - I'm not mourning the loss of a child, and what it could have been.  This time my heart is aching because I miss my child, and we're a world apart!  How is it possible to miss a child you've never met?  I wouldn't have thought it was...until now.

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9 comments:

Jenny said...

i TOTALLY get the "when will it by my turn" feeling!

BB said...

I feel ya. Baby showers are hard too. Why is this month and this weekend so much harder for me all of a sudden. Maybe because I soo want to be in the teens and it is feeling closer to Christmas, but I still feel so out of reach from knowing ANYTHING. Lately I have been trying to shake this sad feeling, waiting is not easy. Really Praying to be at least number 19 with K calls.

"Are These Kids All Yours?" said...

It is a very real thing to miss your child.....very real.

Amy said...

I know how hard it is. Especially as those wait times keep going up. When we started there were only 11 people on the wait list for a boy and they told us that we should expect to wait 1-4 months for a referral. By the time we were on the list we were #21 and I was upset, but looking at how long the wait times are now, I feel fortunate. We ended up waiting 6 months and I had lost it.

I just can't imagine how hard it has to be waiting now. Especially now being pregnant, and having a due date - seriously pregnancy is so much easier (even with feeling sick all the time) than adoption.

Hang in there, I know it is so hard for all of you waiting right now.

Katy said...

Yes, great minds think alike (the WHITE end table). And I can't imagine what it must be like to wait and wait and wait for you lil' one. But I also can't imagine what it will feel like once she's finally in your arms. What a happy day that will be!

Brandon and Kari Mulder said...

Oh my goodness Megan...I was just thinking about this as my next post before I ever read yours...I am so with you on this one. I am more than happy for everyone expectng a precious bundle of joy b/c that is in God's plan for them but wondering when it will ever be our turn. A lot of our friends are now even on their second..WOW!! Wait for us :) Prayers & keep smiling!! We are daily!! Because soon we will both meet our newest additions - then we have to get together & celebrate together!!

Joan said...

A big hug from your mom. I love you..
"and I will move ahead, bold and confident, taking every step in obedience...while I'm waiting, I will serve you while I'm waiting...I will will worship while I'm waiting...I will not faint, I will be running the race...even while I wait."

Brandon and Kari Mulder said...

Megan...thanks for the advice on my blog...that is too funny that is the bouncer that I actually already picked up...thanks!! Great minds think alike -again :)

Brandon and Kari Mulder said...

Megan...thanks for the advice on my blog...that is too funny that is the bouncer that I actually already picked up...thanks!! Great minds think alike -again :)