What I Wish I Would Have Known

[My completely sarcastic yet overwhelmingly heartfelt account of everything from waiting to the present...and don't forget everything in between!]

The Waiting

I don't pride myself as a patient person.  It's just not who I am.  But I do try, I promise.  But no matter how patient you are by nature, the adoption wait is a trying experience.  You start out by keeping yourself busy -- you have to ready a nursery, choose a name, baby proof the house.  Heck!  You could even start shopping if you dare (I didn't.  Or more truthfully, my husband didn't allow it.  For good reason)!  But you creep to the top of that wait list, encroaching on that "maximum wait time" you were quoted, and this psycho alternate personality starts to emerge.  You sit at the computer clicking refresh on your emails all day.  Stare at your phone willing it to ring.  Maybe even call your case worker just to see how her day is going (didn't really happen...or maybe it did)!  You plop your kids in front of the tv so they don't distract you from your habitual electronic checking (What?  Just me???).  You clear your schedule of anything that keeps you away from the house "just in case" it would be "the day".  You might even wake up a little earlier than usual to make sure you put on some make up and do something to your hair....'cause you just never know.  Don't fool yourself folks (or try to fool your husband).  You were sane.  Once.  And then you started the adoption process.  Nothing will ever be the same again!

The Call

Everything you think you will do or say while on "the call"....just throw that out the window now (unless you actually got some truth out of someone who's been there)!  You normally a crier?  Well, you might just hold it together.  Think you're an emotionally stable person?   You probably aren't.  You might fall in love the moment you see your child...or truthfully, deep down inside, think they look kinda  strange.  You feel like you want to celebrate...until you're hit with fact after fact of their devastating story and realize -- this little child, who I am to parent, has gone through WAAAAY more hardships in these short few months (or years) than I probably will my entire life.  And I am to help THEM cope?  It seems impossible.  It maybe will be.  Without Him.  

You'll want to call everyone you know....show every breathing person a picture of this little child who will someday soon (hopefully) be in your arms.  And yet -- a part of you wants to keep it all to yourself.  This information, this history, these photos....it's all you have!  If you share it, how is it yours anymore? 

The REAL Waiting

More waiting?!?  You should be a PRO at this by now.  The psychopath has re-buried herself and the excited expecting mama has returned.  For the last several months you have been glowing, showing off your photo album of pictures (that you finally decided were okay to share, after a brief selfish period).  You traveled for you first trip and savored every second with your precious child.  You held them, you touched them, you kissed them, you loved them.  And then you left.  Your heart broke in two and you left a huge chunk if it there while you flew over the world...back home.  Without your child.  Miss-top-of-the-wait-list-psycho-pants didn't know NOTHING!  What's waiting when you don't know what you're waiting for??  Now it feels like you are waiting for life to begin.  It feels like you are waiting for your heart to start beating again.  For your first breath of fresh air.  You are suffocating and no one can see it.  You put on a smile, unconvincing...or maybe not, and go about your day feeling numb.  Until they're in your arms.  It breaks my heart any time I hear of someone in this stage...begging for advice on how to get through each day.  How do you stop the tears from falling?  If I seem callous or give lame advice...it's not for lack of trying, I promise.  I can only get so close to this subject as the mere mention of it makes my eyes well up, gets my heart racing, and makes my throat tight.  Five weeks between those two trips.  Those five weeks were the worst of my life.  The ONLY thing that got me through that, was daily meditating on the fact that Christ did that...and SO MUCH MORE to rescue every. single. one of us.  How great is our God?!?  

Bringing Your Child Home

Didn't see this one coming.  Not in the slightest bit.  We were following God's call for our lives.  We were obeying scripture.  We were taking a child, without a home, without a parent unable to care for her, and we were giving her a family, a home, an education, and teaching her about Christ.  And yet as our plane lifted off Ethiopian soil and became air-bound, tears fell uncontrollably as I was convinced I was the most selfish person in the world.  You see, you need to understand that during our time in Ethiopia, I fell. in. LOVE.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about Ethiopia.  The beautiful lanscape.  The kind faces.  The exquisite language that sounds like poetry to me.  Every single day I miss Ethiopia and long to return.  I was taking my daughter away from this -- HER birth country.  Did she need me...or was it I that needed her?  Of course the answer is both.  But at that moment I mourned her loss.  I held my sleeping 6 month old against my chest and kissed her forehead as I cried myself to sleep.

Sleep Deprivation

There is a point in sleep deprivation that you are so weak, you feel like you won't survive another second without sleep.  And when you do survive, you reach a point in which you feel like your body doesn't require any sleep to survive.  During either of these states, you need help!  And if you fail to get help...you may have some regrets.  Admittedly I have a few, but one specific one comes to mind every time I share about the worst of the worst of sleep deprivation.

It was several months in to the up-six-times-a-night stage.  My husband was working the night shift four days a week and I couldn't remember the last time I had slept for more than two hours.  But I guess that's not saying much considering I couldn't remember the last time I ate either.  But regardless of what I could remember -- I can tell you it had been a while.  Despite the constant waking up, our daughter had been fairly easy to get BACK to sleep...given you provided her with her lifeline -- the bottle.  But on one of the several occasions when that ceased to put an end to the crying, I stood up, re-swaddled, and began rocking her back and forth, and bouncing, and every other thing I could think of to get those eyes to close and for the only noise to be coming from her be a snore.  After two hours of crying (for all I know it could have been 15 minutes) I remember yelling "JUST GO TO SLEEP" and then immediately bursting into tears.  I just yelled at my baby...what is WRONG with me?!?   But it took that humbling moment of complete insanity to shake my super-mom complex and realize the truth to what everyone close to me kept telling me -- I needed help!  Just days later, my mom made the two-hour drive to let me take a nap.  What can I say?  She's super-mom's mom!!!  

Parenting Advice

Oh this could be a post in itself, couldn't it?  Unfiltered, unwanted parenting advice has been the bane of every mom's existence since the beginning of time, hasn't it?  You learn early on to brush it off and be your own person.  But adoptive parenting advice brought me to a whole 'nother level!  To start off, you read book after book on adoptive parenting before you even get a referral.  According to your social worker -- you're ready!  Between obsessive research and your rock star parenting techniques with your firstborn, you figure you just might be the best of the best.  But inevitably, parenting always throws you a curve ball, doesn't it??  But who do you turn to when you don't know what to do?  Maybe your parents are who you seek advice from in situations like this...but you are in uncharted territory with them.  Adopted children have some baggage (for a lack of a better word) that may require some sensitivity in parenting/discipline.  The thing is -- you feel judged from every angle!!   You ask your mama friends and they think you're being too lax: just because she's adopted doesn't mean you need to parent differently, dummy!  Uh YEAH you do!!!  Now who's the dummy, dummy??  You ask your adoptive mama friends and feel judged for being too harsh because she comes from a difficult place for crying out loud!  (Neither of these are actual quotes from anyone, just my personal summery based on my reaction to advice I received.  And yes, it probably was as ridiculous as it sounds.  Sleep-deprivation + emotionally unstable + desperately seeking advice = bad.)  The best advice comes from your social worker (given you have a good one).  She told me to STOP ASKING FOR ADVICE.  (Really, it's like googling your symptoms to a cold and determining you have cancer.)  I had prepared as much as I could for such a moment and GOD had given me gut instincts for a reason.  Now what did you do when your gut instinct clashes with your husband's gut instinct?  Go with your gut instinct.  Call your social worker.  Gosh, don't you just love her!!!  (If not, call mine...she's super!)

Having Two Kids

Let me start out by apologizing to every mom in which my response to "wait until you have more than one..." was an eye roll behind your back.  Or a nudge-my-husband-in-which-we-eye-roll-together-behind-your-back-because-we're-clearly-better-parents.  Probably never happened...but on the off chance it did, I'm so sorry!  You see?  I was blinded by the one-child mentality.  We had a routine, he was an easy baby, I slept, I had an extra hand...yadda yadda yadda.  But now I know.  And again...I'm soooo sorry!  Because (for those of you who don't know) no matter how well behaved your children may be, when they begin to outnumber you...life gets a little crazy.  When you're out in public it's inevitable that one of them will throw a temper tantrum, or blow through a diaper, or forget they are potty trained, or be hungry, or mess up their hair, or forgot their favorite toy/blanket, or just need to be held when you need your hands, or just want their freedom to run when you're standing next to a cliff....  It never ends.  One of them gets sick and it cycles through your family of four (or five, or six, or so on) over and over and over until you forget what being healthy even feels like.  You're not just entertaining and feeding children...you are stopping fights, and kissing boo boos, and giving times outs, and playing trains and tea party at the same time.  And if you take the time to enjoy it -- it is truly the best thing in the world!!!

Travel Journal Trip 2: Day 7

June 30, 2011

Goodbyes

Dear Lil' Miss,

I woke up this morning knowing that today would be very bittersweet.  The best part of today was that you were in our arms (forever!) and that we were finally heading home to start our lives together.  The worst part of today was knowing that we were taking you from this beautiful country and all the beautiful faces of those who have raised you the past six months.  That and the fact that we had 26 hours of traveling to face had my stomach ALL in knots.  In case you haven't figured it out by now, I do not do well flying.  It makes me miserable (and makes daddy feel like he has another child to take care of).

Most of our travel group was flying out late tonight, and a few tomorrow even...but the S family was headed out this afternoon, so we offered to let them crash in our room so they didn't have to pay the extra fee for staying in your room past checkout.  We weren't leaving until after dinner, so we were already planning on keeping our room.

Clean-up crew

People watching

After our last breakfast as a group, the S family brought their luggage up to their room and paid their bill at the front desk.  They were SO ready to get out of here....as were we...but they had been here an extra two days!    Most of our travel group came to crash in our room....after all, we had doughnuts and card games!!! =)  The guys sat playing rummi...or speed...or whatever else crossed their mind as the ladies entertained the kids, updated facebook, and compared how the nights were going.  We had some tea and coffee delivered to the room a few times to keep the energy going.

Our conversation was interrupted by some loud honking, which wasn't unusual since our room faced the street.  But when it continued for more than a couple minutes, I peeked out the window to see what was going on.  There was a huge traffic jam, and after I watched it for several minutes, I put together that cars were driving the wrong way down the middle lane!  It was SUCH a mess, not to mention hours of entertainment for our group (yes, I said hours) as we watched huge trucks doing twenty point turns in the middle of the road and tiny cars squeezing past it to drive the wrong way.  It was CRAZY!

Once we approached lunch time, the S family was preparing to head to the airport and the rest of us were deciding on whether or not we needed to eat something before heading back to Hannah's Hope for our goodbyes.  Everyone but the S family headed back to their rooms to get ready and pack their diaper bags.  It was about that time that Wass wandered through our door.  I was surprised to see him, given the time...but daddy was not.  Apparently over the last several days, they had been talking about hardrives and music and daddy had planned to upload all my music from my netbook onto his ipod.  You were napping at this point, but baby E was awake....and Wass is just IN LOVE with her!  Wass held her as daddy worked on the ipod.  Wass turned some Amharic music on his cell phone and showed off his moves for little E!  She was smiling and dancing...it was just PRECIOUS!!!

Unfortunately, I didn't have as much music on my computer as daddy had thought....we had taken most of it off before our trip so that we could get the computer running as smoothly as possible (making Skype faster, etc).  But you know Wass was thankful for the little he did get!

You slept through the whole dance party

All too fast, the time approached that the S family had to head to the airport.  Daddy helped Mr. S get all their luggage to the lobby while I packed your diaper bag and got you ready to leave for Hannah's Hope.  Before we knew it, we were saying our first goodbyes of the day.  Thankfully, we know we will see the S family again someday (they are only a few states away)....but it was still hard to say goodbye.  The tears were already rolling down my cheeks...

As they were loading their stuff into the Hotel van, the rest of our group came down to head over to Hannah's Hope and got to say their goodbyes as well.  After watching the S family drive away, we hopped into the van with Wass.  I tried to soak in every detail on our last drive to Hannah's Hope, not knowing when and if we would be back to see it again.  My eyes sting every time I think about this potentially being the last time we see any of this.  This country is such a part of us now.

Back at Hannah's Hope, Almaz and Tsige instructed us to go to the class room.  Almaz talked with us a bit about her passion for adoption and her country and informed us on how we can continue to advocate for the children.  Her heart is pure gold - I only wish I could have gotten to know her more.  She also gave us a more detailed list of needs for the orphanage so that we could pass that on to others.  And then she brought out all the paperwork.  She had receipts for all of us (for tax purposes at home) and a huge envelope that we were instructed was the ONLY set of these documents...could not be re-created...do NOT open under any circumstances...for immigration officials only once we arrived in the U.S.  They also gave us your visa and Ethiopian passport...which was just so amazing to hold in my hands at last!

Given that our time with Almaz had been so limited, we also took this opportunity to take pictures with her and thank her for all her hard work here.  It was the beginning of many goodbyes at Hannah's Hope.

Tsige looking at the photo album we gave her

During our photo session came a HUGE downpour (on our drive here we experiencing sunshine).  We stayed under the shelter of the classroom until the rain died down a bit.  Most of us (or maybe it was just me) had sandals on...not to mention we didn't want to get the babies soaked on the walk through the courtyard.  Once it was only a light rain, I threw a blanket over your head and we carefully but quickly walked through the courtyard.  My feet still got soaked in the puddles that had formed in mere minutes.  The courtyard was very slippery so daddy protectively held my arm the whole time to prevent me from slipping...especially down the stairs.

As we were walking, daddy asked Almaz if we could take some diapers out of the donations we brought since our luggage was lost and we were going to run out before our trip home.  She detoured us to the donation room as the rest of our travel group headed into the baby house.  My jaw dropped as she opened the door at the drawers and closets stuffed with supplies and donation bins stacked on the counters.  Tom helped us search the room for diapers, but when we couldn't find any Almaz asked him to lead us to the second storage room.  ...A SECOND ONE?!?

Tom grabbed you out of my arms and led us through the courtyard (this time it was sunny, but the ground was still slick) and to the back entrance to the baby house....an area I hadn't even seen yet!  This storage room put the other one to shame...my jaw dropped once again.  Stacks of diapers filled the right wall...and then there were stacks of baby wipes, piles of baby soap, diaper creme, flax seed oil....this room was JAMMED full and I KNEW it was thanks to so many AGCI families stepping up to the need (and the many many friends of these families who donated).  After a Tom photo session (this guy adored you baby girl) he helped us find the right size and stuffed more than we probably needed into our backpack (although I was thankful for this later).  He gave you a big kiss and handed you back.

We slipped off our shoes by the front door before stepping into the baby room and were greeted with squeals of excitement!  Your special mothers swooped you out of my arms within seconds to smother you in hugs and kisses.  Daddy and I quickly broke out the cameras to capture the moment.  Oh - my heart just hurts thinking of how hard it must have been for them to say goodbye!

We gave them a little space and one-on-one time with you as we went around to take video and pictures for the parents state-side who were still waiting for their babies.  Pictures like these meant the world to me as I waited to hold you in my arms and I longed to repay the favor (even though I'm pretty sure I STILL haven't been able to email all the pictures).  ***Side note: if you had a baby there during this time, then please send me a photo of them so I can see if I do have some pictures to send you.

Wass came in to hang out with us all and was making your buddy Mihret giggle like crazy!  We captured as much of it as possible for her mama....I just knew she was going to LOVE it!!! =)  Mihret's little laugh was contagious and quite hilarious...we begged Wass to keep going!

Mihret's smile lighting up the room

All enjoying the cray Wass show =)

Then daddy asked Mekdes and Hirut (your special mothers) if they would be willing to record a message for you for later.  Whether a prayer, a song, or just words from their heart....we knew that anything they were willing to share would be so special to hang on to for you someday.  Mekdes started with a shaky voice and we had to encourage her to keep on going.  I wish I had any clue of what they were saying to you, but perhaps someday someone can translate it for us.  I already had tears streaming down my face thinking that this might be the last time you ever see them.  When Hirut took over, her voice was even more broken then Mekdes' was.  She physically started sobbing...all I could do was put my arm around her and cry with her.  I thanked them both and gave them big hugs....but it felt far from enough.

Wass informed us that it was time to go, so we squeezed in a couple extra photos and packed our stuff.  With a quivering lip and tear filled eyes I said my goodbyes to the women who held my baby for 4 1/2 months while I waited for the okay to bring you home.  Emotional doesn't even cut it.

Others were still collecting their things and saying their last goodbyes, but daddy and I followed Wass to the van to load our stuff in.  They had more coffee for us (we now had a total of 40 kilos from our two trips) so daddy helped load that in as well.  Since it had started to rain again, I stayed under the porch of the toddler house with you and Tsige.  While everyone else loaded their things, we snagged a few more pictures with Tsige and Wass.  We probably felt closest to them out of the entire Hannah's Hope staff.  They spoke the most English and we spent the most time with them.  And they are amazing people.  And impossible to say goodbye to...I hope it's not long before we see them again!

Danny, Tom, and Wass took turns shuttling each family under an umbrella to the van.  It had started pouring again, and despite out best efforts we all wound up soaked by the time we got there.  The rainy season is a little crazy here!  As Wass helped the last family into the van, I suddenly realized that we never got our photo as a family outside the gates of Hannah's Hope!  But with the downpour, I knew it wasn't an option either.  I started crying all over again even though I knew it wasn't the end of the world.  Just as we were about to turn onto the main road, Wass STOPPED the van and Selam, one of the special mother's hopped on to say goodbye to us.  She had been out for lunch during our last visit and had to say goodbye to all the babies and families!  So sweet!

Wass needed to grab something from his house and asked perm- ission to take a detour on the way back to the hotel.  Eager to see where he lived, we all agreed.  I asked if it was okay for daddy to go with Wass into his apartment, and Wass was fine with that.  Daddy took pictures for me, but I'm not sure Wass would want the inside of his house plastered online...so I'll just save those for ourselves =)

I fought tears the rest of the drive home.  I was so ready to go, and yet I wasn't ready at all.  I wanted to be home as a family, but I hated to say goodbye.  I hated not knowing when we would return.  I hated taking you from this beautiful country and your people and your culture.  I held you tight and kissed your curly little head and prayed that I wouldn't forget...and I hoped that somehow you wouldn't either.

Back at the hotel, Wass said something profound (But can I remember?  NO!) as we gave him one last hug and thanked him for everything.  All I can remember was that each goodbye and thank you felt so pathetic in comparison to what they had given us.  I'd like to say that I watched Wass drive away, but in all honesty, I was focused on keeping you warm and dry.

Back in the room, we began to pack up our stuff.  It was so hard trying to decide what to take in our carry-on and what to check in.  And especially considering our delays on every flight combined with the lost luggage ...I was pretty much packing everything we OWNED for you in our carry-on.  That, of course, left little room for our things.  We jumped a little from surprise when our phone rang.  That didn't happen often, and we weren't quite sure what it would be about.  It was the front desk saying that the airport had just called to say they found our luggage.  WHAT?!?  NOW?!?  Daddy went down to the front desk to discuss with them how were supposed to get our hands on it at this point, being so close to leaving.

I put you down for a nap and continued to pack.  Daddy came back up with all the details figured out.  And with news that the airport claimed that they had called us yesterday to tell us they found our luggage.  Well that's funny - because we called you last night AND this morning to ask if they had found it yet and they had told us NO!  Ugh....but who cares.  IT was here...now the plan to get it:  We were going to leave a little bit earlier for the airport, and as I went through security with our bags, he was going to run into the baggage claim and grab our luggage, then go through security with that one, and then we would check in together.  I wasn't very comfortable with the idea of going through security with you (hopefully asleep) and all our luggage by myself in a foreign airport where very few spoke the same language as me.  As we talked about it, others joined us in our room to wait out the evening.  Daddy discussed the idea with the I family, whose flight left just a little before ours (so we would be traveling to the airport together) and they agreed to go through security with me and wait with me until he cleared with the other bag.  I hated that it had to be that way...but what other choice did we have?

There was a somber mood and tired eyes taking over all of us.  I think we all shared the same emotions about leaving.  We played more card games (or the dads did), snacked, and ordered up coffee as we waited for dinner time to approach.  I got in one more opportunity to skype with your brother (and grandparents).  I could tell he was anxious for us to be home...but I was SO proud of him for being so brave while we were gone.  He was so patient and understanding - what a trooper!  I cried when we said goodbye - I knew we weren't going to be able to talk face to face until we were home and that was a good two days away.

All the families joined for one last dinner at the Riviera before parting ways.  Airplane food is no good as we all know, so we had to fill our tummies before leaving...even if we were all a little tired of our options.  Since I enjoyed the beef shiro I had the night before so much, I decided to screw the consequences of a potentially upset tummy and order it once more!  It's not that often you can eat Ethiopian food IN Ethiopia and I couldn't pass up my last opportunity for who knows how long.  It was sooooo worth it, and (thank you JESUS!)...I did not get an upset tummy (partially due to the handful of tums I downed after-the-fact).

In an effort to make this evening as smooth as possible, daddy and I decided to perform your full bedtime routine before leaving for the airport.  We bathed you, oiled you, and dressed you in pajamas before I bundled you into the Moby and fed you a bottle.  While I did that, daddy packed the last of our things (but not before I could slip into lounge pants and flats for the long journey home) and got them hauled down to the lobby.  As the staff loaded our stuff into the van, I walked through the dining room one last time and said goodbye to the staff.  You leaned your head back and gazed at the beautiful chandelier in the lobby (as you always did).  I couldn't believe we were about to take you home.  And I couldn't believe I was about to begin this 26 hour journey for the 4th time!!!!  (I am sooo done flying for the rest of my life!)  (No I'm not.)  (Yes, I am.)  I was on the brink of tears the rest of the evening as we stepped out of room #207 for the last time...said goodbye to the Riviera staff...and hugged and said our goodbyes to the W and L family.  Tears ran down my cheeks as we walked out the front doors and stepped into the hotel van.  There were two men in there I did not know, and the I family for the ride to the airport.  You were out in no time!  Daddy tried to carry on small talk with the I family, but all our hearts were heavy and we were exhausted.  I stared out the window trying to absorb EVERY part of Ethiopia and sat with tears streaming down my face.  I kissed your sleeping little head a bazillion times and promised to take you back to this beautiful place.

When we arrived at the airport, I was thankful that this time we knew the drill.  Last time it had seemed so foreign (as it was) and we had no clue where to go.  In order to make things go as smooth as possible, daddy paid an attendant to push our luggage for us and guide him through the crowds at baggage claim.  It was SO worth it!  He got us into the shortest security line and we breezed through it....and the airport security officials were so sweet and helpful with you.  They even helped me slip off my purse (which honestly just had our paperwork/tickets/passports) which you had fallen asleep on without you even stirring...AND helped me get my shoes back on so I wouldn't fall!  As soon as we got through, dad got me situated with our luggage over by a small bench (the ONLY bench...which was filled with people) and checked in with the I family, who got caught in a slower security line before running off with the attendant through baggage claim.  I nervously waited for the I family to finish up with security, and after they joined me I felt somewhat calm.  I kept my eyes on the crowed by baggage claim and watched for a 6 foot tall man in a green shirt to reappear.  =)

The I family were taking Ethiopian Air and we were taking KLM.  Since their line was significantly long, Lindsay stayed with me while Tim went to check in their luggage and confirm their tickets.  I silently prayed that daddy would be back before Tim was.  I hated to make them wait for us, but I knew it was better for my sanity (and they were more than willing to do it).  You tossed and turned a bit in the Moby...skin to skin contact was making you a bit sweaty...but thankfully you stayed asleep.  Since there were no clocks readily available to me, I was getting a bit anxious for your daddy to come back.  Lindsay was doing her best to keep me calm, but I was probably a lost cause =)  Eventually though, your daddy DID break through the crowd, with our long-lost luggage behind him!  I cried with relief...but more for seeing your daddy then for the luggage =)  We gave Lindsay a huge hug and thanked her for waiting with me and urged her to go ahead and join her husband (who was still in line).  Daddy heavily tipped the attendant....because of him daddy didn't have to go through security again (because he could vouch that the luggage never left the airport).  We quickly opened the suitcase to grab a few items - our homecoming shirts that I had made, some snacks, and although I wanted to grab some hair product for you...daddy begged me to leave it there.  It was already leaking and he promised that if the luggage got lost he would buy me all new stuff the moment we got home.  I gave in, grabbed a few new toys (to hopefully keep you entertained on the flight) and shut the bag again.  We rushed into the growing line for KLM as daddy tucked the goodies into our carry-on and then proceeded to fill out the immigration forms.

About half way through the line that was creeping at a snail's speed, a pregnant KLM employee (who we remembered from the last time we were here...she was the one who urged us to get on the shuttle since our flight was cancelled) informed me that we could change lines because of the age of our daughter.  Wow - how cool!  And...WISH we would have known that earlier!  We moved to the FRONT of the line and waited just a few minutes to be called to a desk.  Check in was fine, but I was frustrated that they weren't giving us bulk head seats.  Especially after our last two times on their airline we kinda hoped they would make up for it, but that was not the case.  I had to walk away from the desk to calm myself down (remember I hate flying and so I get revved up easily).  I was already dreading this flight...they are always crammed full and I thought we were at least going to have bulk-head seats for your sake...but now we were going to be crammed in the middle of the plane WITH a baby.  Awesome.  Once daddy had tickets in hand, he loaded our luggage onto the belt and grabbed our carry-on and we booked it to the immigration lines.  More waiting.  The amount of adoptive families kind of surprised me, but it was nice to have a couple people who spoke our language to chat with.  It made the waiting go a little faster.  We compared stories and let me just say....I am so grateful to our agency!  I mean, I don't want to bad mouth any other agency...but I just think AGCI is incredible.  Even more so after hearing what a lot of other families have had to go through to get their kiddos home.  A lot of stories drew up huge red flags for me...gave me a little perspective on the country's reformation of the adoption program.  It is so frustrating as you are going through it, but when you see how some other agencies are handling things down there, it's no wonder the Ethiopian government is increasing restrictions!

Eventually it was our turn at the little kiosk.  Daddy handed the official our passports and immigration forms and in just a few minutes we were on our way.  Nerves were kicking in now.  I should have seen this was all too easy...but I selfishly thought we deserved a smooth trip after what we had been through so far.  We went up the escalators to the next floor.  There are a bunch of shops, a few restaurants, payphones, and bathrooms...and then you had to go through another round of security before sitting in the boarding zone.  We decided to wait to go through security, because we learned on our last trip that there were no bathrooms on the other side.  And considering nerves make me have to pee....we decided to plant our butts on a bench right in front of the bathrooms.  Daddy sighed in relief for the first time today, but I was still a ball of nerves.  We sat people watching.  We were surrounded by mostly Africans (as expected).  There was a mission group standing not far from us, mostly consisting of teenagers wearing shorts, tank tops, and flip flops.  Some had low cut tops and others had their bellies showing.  I remembered feeling frustrated at the lack of respect for Ethiopian culture.  Most Ethiopians are very conservative, covering their shoulders and knees.  A couple American families were passing through security...I was sure they were unaware of the bathroom situation and would come to regret it later.  Daddy and I watched the huge clock above the security area and decided at what time we were going to get in line.  About that time, another American couple came and sat down beside us.  We struck up a conversation and learned that they were adopting too!  I don't remember which agency they were with...but they were from Seattle too!  They asked about you and how old you were at time of referral and how long it took to get to this point.  We learned that they were just headed home from their first trip and their son was just about a month younger than you.  We warned them about the hold ups a lot of families were having with Embassy at this point, but told them we would hope for the best.  Then we learned that their little man's name was the male version of your given name!!!  We were in shock...and THEN we had to compare pictures.  She broke out her cell phone to show us then and now pics.  I had my cell phone...but it didn't have a clear picture.  I asked daddy to pull out the packet Almaz gave us for the U.S. immigration because it had the youngest picture of you.  And this is where the panic set in.  As I was asking, I looked to my left and right to figure out where our "cherry" bag was that had the documents in them.  When I didn't see it I instantly got nervous and asked in my calmest shaky voice ever..."Babe, where is the cherry bag?"  All the while I was replaying the last hour or so in my head....immigration lines, check in lines, airport security...I couldn't remember having the bag at any point during this!!!  WHERE WAS OUR CHERRY BAG?!?!  Daddy stood up and scanned the room, making sure no one was running off with it.  He looked under the seats, behind the seats...there weren't many places for it to hide.  He asked me the last time I remember having the bag and I said it was at the hotel...I remember them putting it in the hotel van but I don't remember seeing it since.  He asked me if we could have checked it in downstairs with the rest of our luggage...but I had already processed all of that and was confident that our bag was still in the hotel van and was probably back at the Riviera right now.  I instantly started to cry - "That has ALL of baby's STUFF!  That has her IMMIGRATION PAPERWORK!!!"  Before I could blink, daddy was RUNNING back to the escalator.  I had no idea how he was going to get that bag back, but I knew we weren't going ANYWHERE until he did.  I started to hyperventilate thinking...I have no diapers, no formula...just a change of clothes and some toys in her bag.  Oh my word...they won't let her into the US without her paperwork!  We're stuck in Ethiopia until we get that bag back.  What if it's lost?!?  What if it is GONE...Almaz said this was the only copy of those documents.  They HAVE to have copies somewhere right?  How long would it take to get new paperwork together?  The sweet couple next to us (and I'm sorry, due to the stress of the situation I can't remember their names....and if you guys stumble across my blog, please email me so I can thank you a hundred times over!!!) asked if there was anything they could do.  I was amazed they were following what had happened because I swear that half of that information was all processed inside our heads (you know that couples can communicate telepathically, right?).  The husband got up and said he was going to go look for your daddy and see if he could help in some way.  The wife stayed next to me asking questions about you and our adoption journey.  I knew she was distracting me, trying to keep me calm.  I tried to focus on our conversation in order to prevent myself from hyperventilating any more.  And all those questions that had been stirring in my brain...I asked her...to which she all had calm and reasonable answers to.  She was sure daddy was going to find the bag and we would make the flight just fine.  And she assured me they were going to sit with me until he got back.  Although I didn't say anything out loud, I knew that when the time came for boarding, they had to get on that plane whether daddy was back or not.  And predictable like my body is during times of stress, I all of a sudden had the urge to pee.  I tried to ignore it.  At this point I was sitting in a strange airport with a complete stranger with a baby strapped to me, an overflowing diaper bag, and a backpack that was probably twice my size.  Then my brain started stirring again (it really shouldn't do that).  What if he doesn't come back?  How would I find him?  Would I just go back to the hotel?  I'm sure the rest of the AGCI families are still there, some of them aren't leaving until tomorrow morning.  The Riviera would have ways for me to contact Hannah's Hope.  What if this sweet couple has to board and I'm here by myself and then I REALLY have to pee?  I can't leave my bags.  But I can't leave my bags with someone I don't even know either!  What if I wait, and daddy comes running back just in the nick of time and we have to run through security in order to board?  I won't have time to pee then!  I have to go - NOW!  I explained to the sweet woman next to me, "My husband will probably kill me if I leave my luggage with someone I don't know.  I have to pee SO frickin' bad though...if he comes back can you just tell him where I am?"  She agreed and then I booked it to the bathroom...which by this point had a visible trail of stench coming out of it (like in the cartoons?)...with a wide-eyed sleepy you staring up at me, a diaper bag strapped to my back and daddy's huge backpack slung over my shoulder.  I stood in the short line, gasping for air because of the sheer weight I was carrying.  When a stall opened, I shoved my wide load through, sat the backpack between my legs (kept the diaper bag on my back and you in the Moby) and somehow still figured out how to shimmy my pants down with one hand.  It was tricky, but I made it.  I burst through those doors again with some women staring at me funny and ran out the doorway to avoid the stinky air.  When I sat back down, you were starting to fuss.  I threw the bags back on the floor and squirted a handful of hand sanitizer in my hand.  Her husband had come back at this point...he had been unable to find my husband even though he had circled the top floor several times.  Seeing the panic on my face, he decided to give it another shot.  I don't know HOW I was not crying at this point.  You were fussing and I had nothing to give you but a stupid cow toy...but you were not interested.  I stood up and bounced up and down while patting your butt and that seemed to calm you, although you were still wide awake.  Her husband came back again...said he had looked  down over the the bottom floor, where we had check in, baggage claim, and security, and said he did not see him.  I looked at the clock and recognized that this was the time that daddy and I had agreed to go through security.  "You better get in line" I told them while nodding to the security area.  "We'll wait a couple more minutes" they both agreed.  Boarding time came and went and they still sat with me...assuring me that nobody was moving on the other side of the glass yet either.  I wouldn't know...my eyes were peeled down the hallway for my 6'1'' husband, who would be a head above most here.  I kept praying that by some miracle your daddy would reappear and that bag would be in his hands and we would jump on that flight and have a smooth trip home.  The clock kept ticking and he was nowhere to be found.  My palms were sweating, my heart was racing, I was pacing, and I'm sure my hair was looking like a grease-ball from nervously running my fingers through it.  And then I saw daddy....a head above the rest, head bobbing up and down.  As he started to weave between crowds of people I saw a black bag with cherries on it bouncing back and forth from one wheel to another.  I started crying and gasped in a breath of relief.  He found it!  As he got closer he picked the bag up.  I gave him a huge hug, and all four of us grabbed our things and ran towards the security line.  I thanked the couple over and over and over for waiting with me.  I have NEVER been more thankful for a delayed flight!  When we had sat down in front of the bathrooms we had 45 minutes until boarding, and it had now been an hour since we arrived.  Thank you JESUS for letting us make that flight!!!  As we waited in line for security we just held each other.  You were squirmy, daddy was sweating, and my eyes were leaking...we were quite the little family!  =)  Daddy told me about the craziness it took to get our bag back.  We DID leave it in the hotel van...but after all the luggage was cleared out, our driver noticed it was there.  So he locked up his vehicle and waited outside the airport with the bag in hand waiting for us to come back for it.  When daddy ran down the escalator, he got stuck in line where this lady said she was trying to call the Riviera for us.  Daddy said that for about a half an hour he could SEE the luggage but they couldn't get it to him.  He couldn't go back through security after checking in for his flight, and they couldn't carry someone else's luggage through security.  Eventually they asked a woman in a wheel chair to claim that the luggage was hers and go through security and bring it to him.  Sounds completely wrong, right?  Wouldn't it make MORE sense for daddy to have left the airport and gone completely through security again?  Oh well...the point was that HE GOT IT...and then he had airport staff escort him all the way back upstairs but he was running so fast they could barely keep up with him, haha!  We of course opened it right away to make sure everything was there, and I kissed that immigration packet like six times!!!

After we got through security (AGAIN) we sat down to wait for our flight to be boarded.  Both of us shed some layers because we were all hot and sweaty now.  Since you were wide awake, daddy lifted you out of the Moby to let you play for a little bit.  You seemed relieved about that.  I started to cry because I was hoping you would be asleep for take-off so it wouldn't scare you.  Daddy just reminded me that we were blessed to be on this flight and assured me everything would be fine.  I let him, even though I knew that he couldn't do anything to assure that =)  I gave the sweet couple our contact information in hopes that we could stay in touch after our kids came home and do some play dates.  I'm still hoping an email pops up in my inbox one day! =)

They started boarding, and just like in America they asked families with young children to go first.  We jumped up, put you back in the Moby, and said farewell to our new-made friends.  But un-like America, every person in the room had stood up to get in line, little kids or not.  It was ridiculous how slow that line was, but eventually we made our way to our seat and got settled in.  It was cramped and stinky and we were all exhausted.  I just hoped and prayed we would all get some rest.  Daddy made you a fresh bottle and changed your diaper before take-off.  I took the Moby off and wrapped you in your blanket.  You were out long before take-off and we were off to a great flight!  As I watched the beautiful country of Ethiopia disappear out my neighbor's window, tears rolled down my cheeks.  I might have fallen asleep for a while, but in all honesty, I try to block the flying out of memory and hope I won't remember any of it.

Sweet dreams my love....we're on our way to your forever home!

Your Mama

Travel Journal Trip 2: Day 6

June 29, 2011

Birth Mother Meeting

Dear Lil' Miss,

I was a bundle of nerves as I woke up this morning.  Yesterday we had asked Tsige if there were still plans for us to meet your Birth Mother today...and as far as she knew, there was.  Although she did warn us that because of the long trek your Birth Mother would be making in combination with the rainy season...there were no guarantees.

We were able to get a hold of Grandma VG on Skype...but it was far too early for your big brother to be awake.  It worked out though, because I was in tears and full of nerves.  Grandma was up early filled with anxiety because she knew how nervous I was for today.  I explained to Grandma my turmoil over this meeting...

For your sake, I prayed she would be there.  I hoped to gather as many answers as possible for the moment in your future that you would need them the most.  I longed to hug her and thank her for her most selfless gift she could ever give.  And I wanted so badly to have a picture of the four of us together to cherish and share with you.

But for my sake, I dreaded the meeting.  I was already a ball of emotion without having to meet and converse with the woman who chose life for you.   Would she like me?  Would she look at me?  Would she smile?  Would she cry?  Would she care?  For the sake of coping, we had illustrated a probable story of what had happened leading to the day your Birth Mom relinquished her rights.  Would I be relieved that she loved you as much as I had imagined or disappointed that the reality of your past wasn't at all what I had hoped?

Tsige informed us that they would call the hotel if they learned that she didn't make it in time.  But after waking up, getting ready, and having breakfast...we assumed that the meeting would be taking place after all (even after the incredible downpour we had experienced during the night)!  This knowledge had me literally sick to my stomach with nerves...daddy too.

At breakfast we talked with all the other families about our fears, but they quickly put things into perspective for us.  Out of the four other families with us, only one had a birth family and they were unable to make it for their meeting.  Although they were all very understanding and supportive...I think many of them wished they were given this opportunity.

They asked us what kind of questions we were prepared to ask.  In all honesty, I had been so completely focused on being here with YOU that I didn't wrap my mind around the possibility of this meeting actually happening.  Besides the photo album I had spent MONTHS perfecting...I had nothing prepared.  No questions, nothing.  Thankfully these four families helped me out with questions they wished they could ask.  And the family whose Birth Family meeting didn't pan out??  They brought to our room (after breakfast) the list of questions they had prepared.  THANK GOODNESS!  We spent about a half hour before being picked up going over that list deciding which questions we wanted to focus on and getting you as prepared as possible for this meeting.  And then our phone rang letting us know our ride was here (side note: on the first trip we always tried to be down in the lobby waiting for them so whoever was driving wouldn't have to wait on us....but on this trip you took priority so often the lobby would call our room and we'd be all ready and run down).

Our drive to Hannah's Hope was quiet.  You stared out the window, I sat with my palms sweating, and daddy barely spoke (soooo not normal =D).  When we pulled up, Danny pulled into the gates of Hannah's Hope, parking by the toddler house and staff office.  Not knowing exactly how this would all play out, my eyes were peeled for your Birth Mother.  Having only seen a few photos of her, I wasn't sure I would recognize her right away.  As we hopped out of the van, the older children at Hannah's Hope ran up to say hello and to get you to smile.  I didn't feel like my normal self...I smiled nervously and kept scanning the property.  Out of the office stepped an unfamiliar and beautiful face.  She ran up to us and said "T*******" (your given name).  I knew this wasn't your Birth Mother...she looked nothing like your photos...but I also knew we hadn't met her before and wondered how she knew you.  I didn't know if she was a staff member we just hadn't met or if she knew you before we had.  Either way, we smiled and said hello and then she ran off towards the classrooms (I assumed she was in a hurry to find your Birth Mother and part of me longed to run after her).  {***We put together the pieces after we got home and found out that this woman was Birtukan, the director of the Bethzatha Orphanage in Hosanna where your Birth Mom first brought you.***}

We walked over to the office where Almaz greeted us and led us back to her office.  "I feel like I'm going to throw up" I whispered to your daddy.  Almaz sat down at her desk and we made ourselves comfortable.  "How are you doing?" she asked us.  "Nervous" we admitted.  She took a moment to answer any questions and we gave her the photo album we had put together for your Birth Mom and then she walked out of the room to go find her!  I made sure you were properly covered (no exposed limbs, since Ethiopians seem to frown on that) and got out our camera and our flip.  My palms were sweating.  Oh gosh, this was it.  What do you say to the woman who gave you your daughter???

Due to the intimacy of this moment, I'm going to refrain from sharing details of this meeting on my blog and save it for you someday...and then you can share it however you feel comfortable.  However, I will say that this experience far exceeded our expectations.  Your Birth Mother and I were both thrilled to learn that we shared some common interests as well as hopes and dreams for you.  It was an amazing and emotional connection.  Words can't describe it...but I hope to pay it justice someday for your sake.  We are so thankful for this meeting and hope that one day we can travel back together as a family and reunite.  She is family to us now too.

Almaz translating the book we made {And THAT is Birtukan smiling!}

Using the flip to capture this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

You...asleep in your Birth Mother's arms!

After a lot of laughs and a good share of tears, we exited the building together and took a moment for photos.  Then we hugged and kissed and said our goodbyes.  Although I was watching through teary eyes, I know I saw a smile on her face as we parted ways.

Birth Mom, Me, Daddy, Birtukan

You are SO blessed to have the unconditional love of TWO woman.
One who gave birth to you...and one who raised you.

My expectations for the day was that we would stay at Hannah's Hope for a while, but when Danny offered to bring us back to the hotel after this emotional morning, we accepted.

Back at the hotel, our friends swung by our room to see how our meeting went...and although we didn't share details, I know we were all grateful that at least one of us had this opportunity.

After sharing lunch together, we secluded ourselves in our room for a nap.  The emotions of this trip...and this day, had us all exhausted.

We hung out with a couple of the other families later in the day.  The "S" family had received all their paperwork a day early and were trying to get an earlier flight home.  As much as we hated to see them go, we could relate to being ready to leave.  The first trip felt so short and we didn't get to see even half of what we had hoped to.  But this second trip was a whole 'nother ball game!  Emotions ran high and as you got used to being in our custody, we were hesitant to get you on too much of a schedule before switching it all back up again.  Don't get me wrong....we were thankful for the bonding time before pulling you away from any environment you ever knew...but we were VERY ready to get home and start our lives together.  We wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to cut this trip a little short, however sad we were to see them go!   Unfortunately for them, it just wasn't meant to be.  But that did mean we got to enjoy a little more of their time! =)

I think everyone had hit the point of exhaustion this trip because several families turned in early tonight.  Babies' schedules were out of whack and parents were all tired and home-sick (and a few physically sick).  We headed down for dinner alone with just a few families tonight, but within minutes of placing our order...we knew it was a mistake.  You were rubbing your eyes and fussing....and we had already learned how quickly that turns into a complete meltdown.  Daddy pulled the waiter aside and asked if it was possible to get the food delivered to our room instead, and they seemed happy to oblige. 

We said goodnight to our friends and turned to our room.  We gave you a bath and got you all dressed for bed before they arrived with our food (I had ordered Beef Shiro and it always seemed that Ethiopian food took a bit longer to prepare - no complaints here though!).  After finishing your bottle, you went down for bed no problem...and daddy and I finally got to enjoy our food.  This was my first time ordering this specific dish...but OH MY GOSH...it was INCREDIBLE!!!!  Probably my favorite yet!  WHY had I waited so long to try it???  I ate the ENTIRE thing (most Ethiopian dishes are meant to be shared) and wished I had more.  I went to bed one happy woman that night!!!

Tomorrow we would say our goodbyes to Hannah's Hope and to Ethiopia.  I wasn't sure I was ready for this...

Until then yene konjo!
Your Mama