I didn't realize how hard it would be, not having her here. I spent my quiet morning sipping a cup of coffee and gazing at her pictures while letting the tears fall. I knew I would miss her presence today, but I was not prepared for the emotional turmoil that comes from the combination of having your daughter a world away from you and having her birthmother's court hearing that same evening.
It was at church today that the true impact of this day hit me. Our church has gone through quite a bit of grieving in the last month. The member's of our congregation have mourned with those who have experienced this unimaginable loss. So although Mother's Day is a day of celebration, we could all feel a bit of somberness in the worship this morning. We all know how hard days like these can be when you've experienced a lot of loss, especially the loss of your child. Where I was standing, I could see a woman who had recently lost a child...and although I could see what can only be described as God's peace on her face, I wept knowing how hard today must be for her. And then it just made me think of how difficult today must be for our daughter's birth mom. I don't think I sang more than one short chorus today because I spent the rest of the time of worship weeping in my husband's arms for a woman I have never met. I can only hope and pray that she feels God's peace today.
I've heard of many adoptive mother's grieving for their children's birthmother at various points during the adoption process. And although I recognized the agony she must be feeling over a decision like this, I didn't feel connected TO her enough to really grieve. Even the day our referral, which many refer to as a day of very mixed emotions, I had too much excitement and celebration on my mind! I thought maybe something was wrong with me - like I had a heart of stone for not feeling immensely emotional over this. But as I have been reminded many times over during this journey - each woman, each family processes this differently. It seems oddly fitting that Mother's Day, the one day where I get to be completely selfish and think only about myself (ha!) I was so completely focused on a woman a world away and praying for her to feel God's peace over a decision she so selflessly made. Not that I wanted to spend my Mother's Day crying....but I can't tell you how much it made me appreciate what I've been given - a loving husband who in all honesty SPOILS me, a beautiful son with the sweetest, most gentle soul, and a stunningly gorgeous daughter who I gain through someone else's loss. It doesn't seem fair - not one bit! What have I done to deserve such a blessing? Absolutely nothing. And yet God has chosen ME (us) to parent such a blessing!
THANK YOU, Jesus!
It hardly seems appropriate now - and impossible to transition to the cutesie grins and cheesy smiles of my boys as they prepared an amazing lunch/dinner for me...but so was my day! Full of joy and sorrow. Heartache and blessings. And I couldn't be more thankful!
|Dumping the potatoes into the pot...|
|Such a big helper!|
|Cheesers!!! I love you!|
|Aren't they the CUTEST?|
|Saltin' it up!|
|I hate when I get the focus on the wrong thing....it would have been the PERFECT shot if the focus had been on MONKEY rather than Hub's hand.|
|This is what I get for "say cheese"!!!|
|Pepper in the gravy!|
|Look at those layers of cookies, ice cream, fudge, and whipped topping!|